I'm Afraid of Publishing

A personal reflection on fear and doing it anyway

I’m afraid of publishing.

I don’t like putting myself out there to be seen, read, noticed by people I don’t know. They might form opinions about me, judge me based on my writing. I can’t see their reactions and I don’t know whether they like me or not. If they misunderstand me, I won’t know and can’t correct them. Or worse, they might go public with negative statements about me.

And if lots of strangers end up liking me and my writing, if I somehow have viral success? That’s also scary. That’s just more people I don’t know looking at me. They might have expectations I won’t live up to. They might want more of me than I am willing to give.

It’s more comfortable to be an invisible introvert.

I know this is all vanity and pride. I know that I can’t please everyone, that not everyone is going to like what I write, that it’s best to focus on the ideal reader and not worry about the people who won’t like what I write. I know that it’s best not to worry about what other people think of me. I know that I can’t control people’s perceptions of me.

Knowing these things doesn’t make the fear go away. I still freeze up when writing something that will go public. I still want to run away and hide and never post anything online.

But I write and publish anyway.

Today is the Feast of the Annunciation (March 25), when the Archangel Gabriel told Mary that she would be the mother of the Messiah. Mary said YES to the whole of her new role, including the joyful and the sorrowful.

I want to be like Mary. I have felt God calling me to write, so I want to say yes fully to everything that means. The fun parts and the difficult parts.

So here I am on Substack. Two years ago, I looked at this blog-like platform and said “no way, too public.” My private newsletter, which felt scary when I started it in 2018, felt safe and comfortable.

This year, I’m working on finding an agent and publisher for my novel. It’s scary, but it means that it’s time to stop hiding.

A big reason I decided to publish weekly on Substack is to help desensitize me to publishing. If I write and publish an article every week, eventually it should start to feel normal.

It’s already working. This is my ninth published article on Substack. The fear isn’t gone, but my nervous system feels a little more okay with scheduling a post and seeing it go live than it did the first time.

And, it turns out, I discovered that publishing weekly comes with its own reward. Every time I publish, I feel the accomplishment of having written, finished, and shared something. And that feels great! It feels like I’m being who I’m meant to be.

I just have to pretend that only my friends will see what I publish. 😉

So… Friends… does any of this feel relatable to you? I would love to hear from you in the comments!

---

Thank you for reading! If you’re new here, I’m Katelin Cummins, a Catholic writer, book coach, gamer, and fantasy fan. If you would like to know more about what I write, check out this post. If you want help planning, writing, or revising your novel or nonfiction book, check out my services on my website.